Any one who knows me, knows I love a good bargain. A good sale. A 50% off sale. My heart actually starts to race when I see a sign say 50% off. Yes, the first step is admitting you have a problem. That's the saying, right? I admit, I have an estate sale problem. I'm an old soul.
But what happens when 50% off has a different meaning?
I didn't get married to get divorced. But here I am. In all my glory. Or not so glory, glory. I never wanted to admit that I failed at something. I never wanted to be "that girl". But ... here I am. Divorced. A single mom of two daughters. Sharing my girls, the most important people in the entire world, is hard. I get 50% of their time. And it sucks. But now I ask myself, "when you had 100% of their time, how much did you waste?"
One thing I know for sure, I did not waste today. Days like today are what I live for.
Daughters are home. Laughter is lively. Dinner was fantastic. A breakfast skillet of eggs, maple sausage, hash browns, onions, red & orange bell peppers and season salt. Can't forget the season salt.
Nova played in the back yard with Ester from across the street. They made mud pies, had fun down the slide and fought over the swings. Oh, the swings. They are a big hit with the neighborhood kids.
Today was the first day I witnessed ... "walking the plank." So proud.
Having them here, even if we are all doing our own thing is a comfort that I only miss when they are away. When the house is empty and the eerie calm has blanketed the place with silence ... it is almost too much to bare.
Today, I find myself trying to cram all the lessons my mom taught me as a full time mother into every bit of tonight. Her inadvertent ways (as crazy as they made me) taught me more than I would ever give her credit for.
Stacking dishes, boiling eggs, folding towels, plugging in lamps, etc... the list is never ending.
Those things that we just do on the regular. Have you ever stopped and thought to yourself where you learned all those things?
I, for one, am not entirely sure. But I'm guessing I learned them from my mother. You may know her. Her name is Anita Lacey. Until I saw my grandfathers grave, I never really understood the importance of my name.
By her living her life, just living the day to day, I learned how to be productive. I learned how to get shit done. I learned how to be independent. I learned how to be self-sufficent. I learned how to be a "doer" and not a push over.
But most importantly, I learned how to practice an instrument. I learned, through her never ending piano playing, how to be diligent with my talents.
Any chance I get I encourage my daughters to create. Create anything. Create everything. For little miss Bayleigh, (who is no longer a little miss), it's drawing. My mother installed in me the power to believe in something. The power to believe in something greater than myself. I'm trying to teach my girls the same lessons.
My mother taught me how to believe in Jesus Christ and the way he lived his life. She taught me, as a believer, how to do the right thing through his work. How to not back down from any situation if you feel strongly about something. She taught me to do what is in my heart and the right people will follow.
But the one thing that I've always missed from my mother. The one thing that I wanted more than anything else was the feeling she loved me. In the true sense that a daughter should feel from a mother.
That is a fundamental difference between my mother and I.
Above all else, above music, above a career, above a relationship I want may girls to feel that I love them. A deep sense of the word.
A ... come to me no matter what ... kind of love.
A ... I'm going to push you to the edge of yourself, but you'll thank me for it ... kind of love.
A ... we WILL talk about this ... kind of love.
A ... don't be a jerk ... kind of love.
A ... i'm here ... kind of love.
A ... come over anytime, day or night ... kind of love.
A ... i love you no matter what ... kind of love.
They are what I love the most. They are the reason I do the things I do. They are the reason why my talents have taken a back seat. They deserve the best. They deserve my all my time when we are together.
Cause 50% of 15 years I have left between the two just ain't that much.